Challenges of the Fourth Year of Grief

The challenges we face during the first year after the death of a life mate/soul mate (or any other significant person in our lives who connects us to the world), are too great to enumerate. It’s all we can do to cope with the seemingly endless chores of laying our beloved to rest while dealing with the emotional shock, the physical pain, the psychological affront that are our constant companions. Sometimes the first anniversary of his death is one of peace when we realize that we managed to survive the worst year of our life, but then we wake up to the second year and find a whole other set of challenges to meet.

The five main challenges we face during the second year after the death of a life mate/soul mate are:

1. Trying to understand where he went.
2. Living without him
3. Dealing with continued grief bursts.
4. Finding something to look forward to rather than simply existing.
5. Handling the yearning.

There are other challenges, of course, some unique to each individual, but all the challenges are dealt with the same way: by continuing to feel the pain when it erupts rather than turning away from it to satisfy the concerns of those who don’t understand; by taking care of ourselves even when we don’t see the point; by trying new things.

In other words, we meet the challenges of the second year by living. It sounds simple, but nothing about grief for a life mate/soul mate is simple. By living, we begin to move away from our pain, but we also move away from the person we loved more than any other. For some bereft, this feels like a betrayal of their love — how can you continue to live when life on this earth is denied him? For others, it seems like a betrayal of themselves — how can you become the person you need to be without betraying the person you once were?

The third year of grief seems to be a year of transition with only one new challenge — beginning to rebuild our lives. (We still have upsurges of sadness, still miss our loved one, still yearn for him, but these feelings are not as prominent as they once were.) Most of us no longer feel that continued life is a betrayal of our love because we understand that we had no choice in the matter, either in his death or in our continued life. Nor do we feel we are betraying the person we once were — we are no longer that person, though we have not yet developed into the person we are to become. Most of us are still trying to figure out who that person is and what that person wants and needs.

You’d think by the fourth year there would be no challenges of grief left, but for most of us, this is the year where we make the necessary disconnect from our loved ones, and that is big though necessary step. No matter how close we were to our mates, no matter how much we felt as if we were two parts to a whole, we realize that in terms of life on this earth, we were two separate beings on two separate journeys. The questions that haunted us, such as the big question of who got the worst end of the deal, seem muted. Our mates had to deal with death and dying, and we had to deal with grief and living. It all seems the same now — life and death — though perhaps it’s more that we’re used to them being gone than that we made any great leap of understanding. We also don’t feel their absence the way we once did. The clawing yearning to see our mates once more has by now muted to a gentler feeling of intermittent melancholy.

Although my fifth year of grief doesn’t start for another two weeks, I am getting an inkling that this is going to be the main challenge of the coming year — dealing with grief’s absence. Grief was a part of my life for a very long time and the immensity of the loss and the enormity of the pain gave my life a feeling of epic importance, as if I were standing on the very edge of eternity. Well, eternity has retreated, and I am left with the ordinariness of life, and that ordinariness seems . . . well, it seems ordinary. Still, the lessons of grief taught me well, and so I will continue to take each day as it comes. Continue to find something to look forward to rather than simply existing. Continue to look for something to be passionate about, even if it’s just life itself.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fire, and Daughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.” Follow Pat on Google+. Like Pat on Facebook.

3 Responses to “Challenges of the Fourth Year of Grief”

  1. Sue Says:

    Thank you for laying out this road map. My partner did not die. Rather, he passed through some life-changing events that left him entirely different from the man I knew, the man I promised to love always. It is now 3-1/2 years, and I can see my own path in the stages you have described here. I, too, am finding myself looking toward shaping a life other than what I once dreamed. Though he remains with me physically; though we continue to share a living space; though some sort of muted version of our love for one another keeps us bound to one another, I have grieved and raged and hoped for the impossible. Now, I am in the beginning stages of learning how to shape a life in which he plays only a minor role. I am no longer crushed by the realities. I’ve stopped wishing it could all be like it was. Reality has laid a hand on me and turned me to other pursuits.

    My loss is not at all the same as yours, and I do not mean to imply that. I only want to thank you for being strong enough to lay out a path that I may be able to follow.

    All the best,
    Sue

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      I’m so sorry for your loss, Sue. Of course it’s not the same, no one’s loss is ever the same. Yours seems so much worse in many respects. At least, in my case, his death set me free from his changed personality. (I had to deal with some of what you are having to deal with. Life does terrible things to people.) It was really hard for me when I had to start living my own life while he was still alive. I still remember the real wrench the first time I went out on my own, as if I were doing something wrong. And yet, you have to take care of yourself. You have to live. Wishing you all the best. If you need to talk, I am always here.

  2. Patterns of Grief | Bertram's Blog Says:

    […] Challenges of the Fourth Year of Grief […]


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