Grief: Counting Down to the First Anniversary

In three days it will be a year since the death of my life mate — my soul mate. I’ve been counting down the days with tears. I would have thought I’d have finished my weeping months ago, and for the most part I have, but here it comes again. I’ve been keeping busy, not wanting to drown in sorrow. In fact, I’ll be leaving in a few minutes to have lunch with friends. Like me, they lost their mates, and so their presence is a comfort. We’ll laugh and talk, and that will keep the tears at bay, but when I get back to the house, I’ll probably be sad again. And that’s okay. I’m finding that now, after a wave of intense grief, there is a backwash of peace.

The anniversary itself was supposed to have been a good day for me, not a celebration so much as an acknowledgement that I survived the year. And perhaps it will be a good day despite the upsurge in sorrow. My latest book, Light Bringer — the last one he helped me research and edit, the last one I read to him as I was writing it — will be published on his death day as a memorial to him (though the book itself won’t be available for another week or so). The book is his epitaph, his tombstone, the final resting place for our joint efforts. (There is one more book he influenced, but that book is only half finished, and I haven’t had the heart to work on it.)

During all this year, I haven’t been able to eat the foods we fixed together (with the exception of salads. Those I still can eat, though why, I don’t know since salads were a major component of our meals). So I thought a good sign of my healing would be to fix one of those meals I haven’t been able to eat. Today I am going to get the ingredients for his chili, and on the anniversary, I will cook a batch in his honor. I will probably watch a movie that he taped for us, which is what we always did on special occasions.

He would have enjoyed such a day. I wish with everything I have that he were here, but of course, if he were here, there would be no such anniversary to endure, to acknowledge, yes, even to celebrate.

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4 Responses to “Grief: Counting Down to the First Anniversary”

  1. Cara Says:

    I send you love and healing hugs!

  2. Joy Collins Says:

    I grieve with you, Pat. Today marks 10 months for me and if it were possible to drown in tears, I would be gone by now. John and I celebrated everything so I know he is not surprised that I mark each week, each anniversary of his passing. He always teased me that I remembered dates so well. I just wish this were not one of them.

  3. knightofswords Says:

    Anniversaries like this are tough, bittersweat sometimes as good memories mix with sorrow. It’s fitting, I think, to publish Light Bringer on this day. Be well, Pat.

  4. James Rafferty Says:

    Publishing Light Bringer on this day is a fitting tribute to the life and writing you shared together. Live the day and remember.


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