I seem to have fallen into a period of blog stagnation. Nothing to say, no noteworthy thoughts, no insights, no adventures. Every day I come here meaning to write something, and every day I end up doing other things. Playing solitaire, researching camping equipment, helping a friend set up the social networking sites for his business, sometimes even typing a bit of the book I started writing. (Just typing, you understand. Not writing anything new.)
I don’t seem to find myself smiling very often, either, and yet just a few weeks ago, I could feel the smile on my face whenever I set out into the woods. There was something so basic about walking among the trees that it felt mystical. Now? Not much of anything going on. It’s too hot to do much walking around here, and anyway, there’s no place interesting within walking distance. (It was less than a mile to the desert from my father’s house, which is why I became so familiar with the desert. If I had to drive, I’d never have bothered. And even if I wanted to drive somewhere interesting, I am still minus a car.) Even dance classes don’t fill me the way they used to, maybe because when the rest of my life was a mess, they provided an escape, and now that I don’t need that escape, well, let’s just say the not-always-pleasant interactions with others are harder to deal with.
(Yep, just got tired of sitting here trying to think of something to say, so I opened a spider solitaire game. I’m hopeless.)
I have a hunch malaise has settled on me because my whole life right now feels as if it’s at the mercy of other people. I can’t just work on those business sites and get the job done, I have to wait for him and the others involved to respond to my requests for the information I need. I can’t just drive to the store to get what I need because my car is still not finished. I could walk, of course, but there is the matter of heat.
Enough whining. I’ll get back to you when I have something more interesting to say.
(Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fire, and Daughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.”)