Wishing I Were Strong

It’s been a hard day today. I’m not exactly sure why things hit me wrong, but there it is.

The day actually started out fine. I finished making my jazz costume in time for tomorrow’s pre-pre dress rehearsal for an audition next week. (We’re auditioning for a performance at the end of the month. — A jazz dance.)

And then things went down from there. I got a call from the executor of my father’s estate. He’s signed with a real estate agent, and the house is going on the market. He was short with me, probably because this whole thing is as stressful for him as it is for me, and his shortness, more than the thought of actually putting the house on the market, upset me. I felt as if I had no control over any aspect of the coming events. Which, of course, I don’t.

For just a second I thought, “I don’t have to do this. I can go home.” Then the real panic set in when I realized I don’t have a home. I can’t go home to Jeff, can’t go anywhere because I have yet to find someplace to live.

Although I’ve tried to be strong about having my life turned upside down once more, the truth is . . . cripes, I don’t know what the truth is.

Maybe there is no truth to anything. Maybe we just do the best we can and then . . . and then, we do the best we can again. And again.

I’ll be okay tomorrow. And I’ll be okay when the house is sold — if worst comes to worst, I can grab a couch in a friend’s house or go to a motel. It’s just today I’m having problems with.

I wish I were as strong as people seem to think I am.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fireand Daughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.” Connect with Pat on Google+. Like Pat on Facebook.

24 Responses to “Wishing I Were Strong”

  1. sumalama Says:

    You’re stronger than you know or even get close to realizing. I could never have watched my beloved die. I would have never nursed my father through to his end. Same with my mother. I had to be strong to survive their abuse so I refused to be there for them, except for my mother’s last day in the nursing home. We just keep keeping on, hanging in there, accomodating ourselves to circumstances as our consciences dictate. You only ever have to deal with today. And it ends at midnight.

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      I’m sure you’re right, that I’m stronger than I know. I just felt so fragile yesterday! But, yesterday did end at midnight, just as you promised.

    • Carol Jackson Says:

      Sumalama, Sorry about the issue with your parents but I totally get it. My good loving mother passed in 2006. Though I have tryed to be supportive of my father now 89-almost 90, he has turned to HIS LAWYER, and shut me out entirely-and I have a recording where he says HE WANTS IT THAT WAY!! In the past 3 years this legal mess has been dragging out I have discovered things that make me question my entire childhood-and his treatment of my poor mother. She would not only be horrified at what he has done-but what I discovered. Though the lawyer has actually bungled many healthcare decisions-and I have documentation & proof, my lawyer says he will likely be declaired sane. In that case he has lost his family. I have a severely handicapped brother in another state I have already been appointed legal guardian for. I’ve had it. My husband & I need to move on with our lives. I lost my job over this mess-and all I get is verbal abuse.

  2. rami ungar the writer Says:

    Pat, you’ve gone through so much in life and still you manage to give others strength and wisdom. If that’s not strength, then I don’t know what strength is.

  3. Wanda Says:

    I believe we are all stronger than we think we are and not as strong, often, as others perceive us. One day at a time is a good idea for anyone, at any time. I’m helping someone in my family deal with a situation that has come upon him through no fault of his own and it’s breaking his heart. All I can do is let him rant, cry, or moan as he deal with it. All I can offer by way of advice is one day at a time, sometimes one hour or one minute at a time. He’s dealing, you’re dealing…. we all just do what we can. And in your process you found something that speaks to your soul, your dance. And it’s almost midnight.

    love ya dear

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      Ah, Wanda. Your love and wisdom are greatly appreciated. I’m sure the person you are helping feels the same. Yes, one minute at a time. Sometimes that’s all we can handle.

  4. Paula Kaye Says:

    I so totally agree with you in wishing I was as strong as people think I am. That is one of those expressions I am getting a bit tired of. Just because I am continuing to go on with my life after Richard’s death doesn’t make me a strong woman. Sending you a big hug!!!

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      As if we had a choice. We do what we must, I guess. Sending you hugs in return. I hope you’re doing okay. It seems like all I do is whine when I should be asking about others.

      • Paula Kaye Says:

        I’m doing okay I guess. I am so much still in the waves of grief. Sometimes it just about knocks me out! But I continue putting one foot in front of the other

        • Pat Bertram Says:

          I know. You’re still so new to it all. I hoped that your reading about it beforehand would help, but the body apparently doesn’t read.

          I think about you often and send you wishes for peace. You will find peace again. I promise.

  5. kencoffman Says:

    … I have never had the faintest reason since to change my views on psychical and spiritual phenomena, for which there is no foundation. The belief in these is the natural outgrowth of intellectual development. Religious dogmas are no longer accepted in their orthodox meaning, but every individual clings to faith in a supreme power of some kind.
    –Nikola Tesla, in his autobography

  6. leesis Says:

    My dearest Pat I’m sorry you feel like crap today. We have those days hey.

    You are strong…its just that you are also fragile…as we all are. It seems to me that the emotional experience is one of frustrating paradoxes. Moments of strength moments of weakness, moments of certainty moments of doubt, moments of joy moments of despair.

    When I have those moments of fragile I go to the beach and breath in the sea. Dont forget to do those things that bring you peace/strength everyday. With love xx

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      About sums it up! Strong and fragile, Certainty and doubt. Joy and despair.

      I often think about your credo that life matters. It helps get through the hard times.

      XX

  7. Kathy Says:

    Now I’m starting to panic for you… Seriously, though, it’s been my experience that I really don’t know what I want until it’s upon me. Not that I don’t plan ahead, oh yes, I’m a planner. But I don’t really know what will feel right until it’s time. I get the “you’re so strong” thing, too, but even strong people need support and a sense of being home.

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      That’s what I’m hoping, that when the time comes, I will know what I want and what will feel right. I keep telling myself tat I don’t need a solution now. I will need it then, and then hasn’t yet happened.

  8. amcarmichael13 Says:

    Sometimes it’s the strongest people who need a helping hand the most in times like these. They’re used to standing strong and taking the punches so every once in a while it’ll just knock the wind out of you. But it’s the getting back up that will build that strength back to where you want to be. Many blessings headed your way!❤

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      Thank you. I sure felt battered yesterday, but today I’m okay. Got back on my feet. Hope I can stay there for a while. I hope you are right that blessings are headed my way. Would be nice.

  9. Charlotte M. Liebel Says:

    Peace be with you, a day at a time, Pat. Glad to hear that you are feeling better today. Does anyone find the ‘perfect’ day? Doubt that there is such a day. There are highs and lows every day. Some days of sadness are an accumulation of several days of broken expectations. Soon all those little joyless days are over and done! There is no place for listless joy to go but ‘up’ and ‘happy’ since we have traveled the road before, Soon, we can expect a ‘kinder’ day and even an unexpected ‘happier’ day. Given time, it will come to us if we can but wait. Just one more day.

    Charlotte M. Liebel

  10. Royann Behrmann Says:

    Somehow life never deals us the things that make us weaker on the other side. Just things to make us stronger as we have been through them. I remember things that make me stronger and cherish the time I spent going to the other side. That way I will know,, when I look back, how weak I really was. However, I know that great friend helps with ears that are not connected to their mouths.


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