Today marks four years and eleven months since my life mate/soul mate died. Next month it will be five years. I haven’t been actively mourning the entire time he’s been gone so the title is misleading on that account, but the world changed forever when he left, catapulting me into a world of grief that will always be a part of me.
These lonely years seem unfathomable to me on so many levels.
Unfathomable that I have survived the horrendous pain and angst of grief that made it impossible to catch my breath at times.
Unfathomable that I’ve managed to live without him.
Unfathomable that I am still here.
Unfathomable that I still get up every morning.
Unfathomable that I have found much happiness, and unfathomable that I still am beset by sadness.
Unfathomable that I smile so easily and unfathomable that I am just as easily brought to tears.
Unfathomable that he’s been gone so long — it seems just a few months ago we made our final goodbyes.
Unfathomable that he was ever a part of my life — our life together seems like a faded dream.
Unfathomable that I will not be going home to him now that I no longer have to look after my father.
Unfathomable that the world continues to spin, the sun to shine, the moon to glow, the winds to blow.
Unfathomable all the nevers — never see him again, never see his smile, never hear his voice, never cook another meal with him, never watch another movie with him, never discuss another book, never . . . never . . . never . . .
Unfathomable that I still yearn for him.
Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fire, and Daughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.” Connect with Pat on Google+. Like Pat on Facebook.